Mantras

You know how you get phrases in your head and then they repeat and repeat and repeat? I don't mean catchphrases. More like thought phrases, worries, beliefs, hopes, fears, that kind of thing.

"I feel incomplete."
"I don't know how to fix things. I lack the skills to be in charge of my own life."
"I've wasted so much time."
"I am no good at finishing projects."

...and so forth. (These are random examples, not pulled from, um, my head!)

A well-meaning person might say, "Oh, you shouldn't be thinking that! Those things are not true." OR "Thinking those kind of thoughts won't help!"

But the mind isn't always as well-meaning.

I've been battling various thought spirals this summer. Certain phrases just chase themselves in crazy circles through my head. (I'll spare you the rest of the list, but there is a certain commonality.)

Part of me knows those thoughts aren't accurate. But *knowing* doesn't always change perception. Why is that? Seems like someone should be in charge up there, giving commands to the heart and so forth. Instead, my brain sometimes feels like a battlefield between a squabble of power-hungry generals, each pushing forth an idea aggressively that most likely contradicts the idea of the next general.

"You can do it" is shot down by "That's a laugh. Just remember last time!"

I chuckled when I saw this bumper sticker last week, a bumper sticker I occasionally catch in the student parking lot and should probably stick on my own bumper: "Don't believe everything you think."

And honestly, I'm actually doing better. Some of you have received the sad emails, the weepy texts, some of you have listened to my grief or watched me fall asleep on a dime, on a concrete slab and so forth. ('Cause sometimes it's too much to stay awake.) Others have wondered where the me you used to know disappeared to. I feel those thoughts of love on the breeze some afternoons. And yes, I am getting stronger. (The picture says it all! Courtney and I peddled that paddleboat all the way to the dock with Andrew as a stowaway.)

But those mantras persist. (I suppose the goal is to reduce frequency.)

And so I gratefully received a new mantra from my friend Corinna. The same day that Heather and Brent sent flowers, a blessing in bloom! (A thousand thank yous.)

This new mantra, one I now picture with yellow roses from that gifted bouquet, is one I'm programming in. I guess I'm arming this thought general, a daisy peeking out from the end of his gun. The mantra is enough to chase the other generals off. It speaks to the Buddhist lesson of impermanence, and will most likely be useful during really splendid life chapters too because both good and bad are fleeting. It reminds me of wise counsel from Elizabeth and the image that came from that ... my future self, smiling a metta smile, reaching out to me with a hug and happy reports from what's next. Here it is:

I won't always feel this way.

p.s. Here's an amusing thought rivalry that dukes it out at least daily. "How come I know nothing at thirty eight?" is usually given a good shove by "At least you're figuring it out now."