My friend Kevin asked me today what I wanted for my birthday. Good question. The quick answer is Season 4 of "30 Rock" (not yet for sale).
The grateful answer is that I should first note all of the wonderful things I've already received for my birthday:
*a trip to Minnesota to participate in the Mississippi River Creative Writing workshop (big big thanks to my parents) earlier this month. It was an amazing week that fired me up about the work necessary to be the writer I want to be.
*a lovely birthday party hosted by Ulrike and Corinna. The food was delish - pasta salad, mozzarella & tomatoes, spicy ravioli from Boston's (one of my favs & brought to the party from Boston's by dear Luz!), two cakes (one with chocolate, raspberry & ganache - my favorite combo) to die for ... it all tasted amazing. The gifts, too, were amazing! I will take pictures and explain them, and everyone will be stunned by the creativity and generosity of these dear friends, I promise. (Hint: gifts may include such Erin favorites as birds, love, music, chocolate, shoes, live theater, books and/or picture frames.)
My kids also asked what I wanted. I pulled a page from my mom's playbook & said, without irony, "For my birthday, I would like it if you guys could get along." That's what my mom often requested for mother's day, as I recall. Now I understand exactly what she meant.
But in answer to Kevin's question (and I've been thinking about it a lot, in fact since long before he even asked the question), what I really want for my birthday is hope.
I thought I wanted happiness, as in, I was missing it.
But I have happiness. I recognize that. It is right there for the taking.
I find occasion every day to laugh, especially Saturday mornings at 10 a.m. I have five kittens living in my house. I have a good job that suits my skill set. My front door is red. My family and friends care about me, and I care about them. They love me and I love them. I have more than my fair share of support. I have dear friends who have known me at pretty much every stage in my life. I can text quickly. My body works as it should. Skinny Cow ice cream bars taste just as indulgent as full-fat ice cream treats. I have faith in God. Cherries are in season. My bookshelves are full. I am better singer than I was 15 years ago. Morningstar Farms vegetarian sausages really do hit the spot for me. I am surrounded by amazing music. I found blue suede sandals at our favorite Minnesota consignment shop. I like to tease my sister Courtney about reading Debbie Macomber books AND I just checked out a Debbie Macomber book from the library. I am learning how to meditate. My hair is longer than it was last summer. I share a Meyers-Briggs combination (ENFP) with President Obama. My children are treasures. My children continue to stretch me. I'm a Minnesotan. I dug out a beautiful leather belt from my college days that has been in the dress-up box for several years and was pleased to find it once again goes around my waist. I like Facebook - it has expanded and made smaller my world. I like learning. Hip hop music makes me want to dance. I have a big bottle of real Mexican vanilla in my pantry. I come from and extend a line of strong Janells. I know how to cry. I have rediscovered the wisdom of Kahlil Gibran.
I am grateful for my life.
(However, here's my anti-blogfacadeitis honesty admission: I am often/sometimes/occasionally deeply lonely even though I am surrounded by love. There you have it. Doesn't make sense.)
The grateful answer is that I should first note all of the wonderful things I've already received for my birthday:
*a trip to Minnesota to participate in the Mississippi River Creative Writing workshop (big big thanks to my parents) earlier this month. It was an amazing week that fired me up about the work necessary to be the writer I want to be.
*a lovely birthday party hosted by Ulrike and Corinna. The food was delish - pasta salad, mozzarella & tomatoes, spicy ravioli from Boston's (one of my favs & brought to the party from Boston's by dear Luz!), two cakes (one with chocolate, raspberry & ganache - my favorite combo) to die for ... it all tasted amazing. The gifts, too, were amazing! I will take pictures and explain them, and everyone will be stunned by the creativity and generosity of these dear friends, I promise. (Hint: gifts may include such Erin favorites as birds, love, music, chocolate, shoes, live theater, books and/or picture frames.)
My kids also asked what I wanted. I pulled a page from my mom's playbook & said, without irony, "For my birthday, I would like it if you guys could get along." That's what my mom often requested for mother's day, as I recall. Now I understand exactly what she meant.
But in answer to Kevin's question (and I've been thinking about it a lot, in fact since long before he even asked the question), what I really want for my birthday is hope.
I thought I wanted happiness, as in, I was missing it.
But I have happiness. I recognize that. It is right there for the taking.
I find occasion every day to laugh, especially Saturday mornings at 10 a.m. I have five kittens living in my house. I have a good job that suits my skill set. My front door is red. My family and friends care about me, and I care about them. They love me and I love them. I have more than my fair share of support. I have dear friends who have known me at pretty much every stage in my life. I can text quickly. My body works as it should. Skinny Cow ice cream bars taste just as indulgent as full-fat ice cream treats. I have faith in God. Cherries are in season. My bookshelves are full. I am better singer than I was 15 years ago. Morningstar Farms vegetarian sausages really do hit the spot for me. I am surrounded by amazing music. I found blue suede sandals at our favorite Minnesota consignment shop. I like to tease my sister Courtney about reading Debbie Macomber books AND I just checked out a Debbie Macomber book from the library. I am learning how to meditate. My hair is longer than it was last summer. I share a Meyers-Briggs combination (ENFP) with President Obama. My children are treasures. My children continue to stretch me. I'm a Minnesotan. I dug out a beautiful leather belt from my college days that has been in the dress-up box for several years and was pleased to find it once again goes around my waist. I like Facebook - it has expanded and made smaller my world. I like learning. Hip hop music makes me want to dance. I have a big bottle of real Mexican vanilla in my pantry. I come from and extend a line of strong Janells. I know how to cry. I have rediscovered the wisdom of Kahlil Gibran.
I am grateful for my life.
(However, here's my anti-blogfacadeitis honesty admission: I am often/sometimes/occasionally deeply lonely even though I am surrounded by love. There you have it. Doesn't make sense.)
I just need to remember where I set it down last year when I turned 37.
9 comments:
Erin, you have such a command of the language....love the way you express yourself..glad you went to the writers' conference! You are a writer....I cannot 'bevil' you will be 37+1 on the 19th! Whoa...
A tidbit, that which is most personal is most universal. Your feelings of having a gap inside despite so many blessings...is one I understand. Update your database on who YOU, the grown up Erin, IS....you have many friends in part because you are so magnetic...we are drawn to you by your joy and your depth and your ability to put words on event and feelings that resonate for us...you are creative beyond measure... you will feel better when you start downloading some of the stories/essays/novels/nonfiction you have stacking up inside of you....I love you and wish you a joyful celebration for your birthday. xx c
Oh, what a wonderful, bittersweet post. Are you tired of the word bittersweet?
I love your list of blessings. I am an INFP, Allen is INFJ. I love love LOVE that your parents gave you the writing workshop gift . . . wow! Are gifts their love language?
Mostly, I love seeing when you have updated your blog.
Happy birthday, my dear friend . . . expect a box of flower clips a la Coon sisters in the mail next week!
Erin - Happy Happy Birthday! Funny how the Meyers-Briggs connects the dots for us. I'm ISFJ - used to be N but now S. A word of advice on Debbie Macomber - she has women's fiction and romance novels - not all the same. I will recommend which series to read and which to avoid. You'd like Blossom Street - a bakery, a bookstore, a yarn store ... that series is about women and their lives. Find book one and start from there ... I did it backwards because I didn't know but 20 Wishes was from that series and I loved it ... and know you will too. Ok maybe not as much as Kahlil Gibran or F. Scott Fitzgerald or well, anyone of note, but with 100 million copies in print, I think Debbie's doing ok for herself. I can't wait to see Erin Hill in print!!! Happy Birthday sassy, svelte, sensitive, superb Erin!
That you can let us see your inner thoughts is such a gift to us.
So, did you receive any Tupperware containers for your birthday?
all things to say are quite not enough in response. i love you. i am sorry for the loneliness. not a lame sorry, a make it go away sorry, just a sorry that it is that way. i am sure it is such. sigh.
You know, I share the loneliness stuff not to say Poor Me but just to share, to be honest. I am not sorry to be growing as a person, actually. I am trying to be more mindful of who I am and where I am. Makes me realize that I've been pretty a) lucky in the past, 2) delusional (ha ha), 3) callow (a bit). I thought about NOT including the loneliness stuff in this post but I didn't want it to sound like Yay, My Life is Perfect. I think the facades we maintain sometimes do harm.
Ah, hope. I think that's something everyone needs to strive to keep. It's hard to come by, and almost always the first thing to jump ship! Happy birthday!
I hope hope flies in soon ...
Post a Comment