Me, this morning, working on a paragraph lesson ... looking a bit tired
I love knowing what other people's days look like. How do others spend these precious 24 hours given to them? I'm a little bit obsessed with the notion of an ideal schedule. I think that I believe, on some level, that if I master my schedule, I master my life. I have a tricky schedule, too, because even though I work on campus for 35 hours a week (giving me the wonderful opportunity to pick up my kids from school and take care of after school activities), I have at least 40+ hours of work to do. I have to squeeze in the remainder of the work to be done into my at-home hours. My problem is not a shortage of hours, necessarily, but a shortage of energy. I don't feel that I'm maximizing my work output. I also have a rule that I don't work on work stuff when I'm with my kids. That's part noble, part survival. My only bend is that I'll sometimes take them with me to the copy center. But I don't grade or create lessons when they're awake.
It's very hard, as a single parent, to go it alone. The stress of single parenthood is obvious, but it's still hard to navigate. I think I've managed to stay emotionally buoyant, but in my quiet moments, I'm very lonely. One of my friends commented, "It must be nice to have Friday nights all to yourself." Yee-haw, I'm hitting the town! Well, sort of and not really. By the time I reach Thursday night, I'm usually so beat that I collapse into bed. Friday is my long work day and my only sane opportunity to prepare materials, make copies and get my ducks in a row for the following week.
I do make time to socialize on those nights (book club, friends, grocery store shopping, fun stuff like shopping at HEB with Corinna at 9:30 p.m.), but I would trade the alone nights to be at home with my family, provided that my assistant bought the milk and fruit. I miss having another adult help with the setting of the table. I miss having another adult reassure me in the moment that it can be done ... whatever it is. I think I'm a pretty hard worker, so the working isn't the problem, but the alone-ness is tough. I cannot imagine this same gig without the kinds of friends and family members I have. I do not feel alone when I consider that support network. But I still feel like I'm playing a lifesize version of that game where all the kids walk around a circle of chairs, then plop down when the music stops. I feel like the music stopped and I'm the one who couldn't find a chair. Instead, I found a rental house with neighbors on one side who don't mow and are trying to start a rocking chair garden in the back. (I don't think the wood is going to sprout no matter how many rocking chairs get thrown on the ground.)
I would trade all my free Friday nights for another pair of hands in the morning. They wouldn't even have to be attached to a body. (Ha!) A robot would suffice if that robot could pack a lunch. Getting the three of us off to school/work is the most stressful part of my life. I can literally feel certain hair strands turning gray. When I drive away from the kids' school, I'm often a ball of knots. I very much want to create a loving, nurturing morning routine, all the better to send us off in a cloud of love and joy. I want the kids to feel loved and supported. I want to minimize rushing. Conveying love, support, encouragement and hope while also preparing food, testing blood glucose and shuffling papers requires a level of multitasking that I have yet to master.
The problem is that I'm usually working in the morning. I get up early while they're asleep and work for a couple of hours. By the time it's time to wake them up, prepare breakfast and all that, I'm a little frazzled. However, early morning work is better than late night work. I cannot function on any kind of professional level after 9 p.m.
On our smooth mornings, I wake up the kids with our morning theme song, herd them to the bathroom, encourage them to get dressed and manage a little snuggle time without watching the clock too closely. I'm still trying to figure out the best way to hurry Graham. It seems as though he cannot be hurried. This means that I absolutely must have him awake by 6:10 a.m. so that he has an opportunity to dawdle, pet the cats and wander aimlessly from room to room. His routine reminds me of the times I've tried to copy and paste some kind of text table from someone else's word document into my own word document. The individual pieces of text cannot be selected, only the entire table. It can be shrunk or enlarged but the table or text chunk maintains its proportions. Graham is like that table, always maintaining his own time proportions - for every hour awake, at least one third of it will be spent talking/petting/looking for cats.
Annie is more like a block of text that can be easily selected and adjusted as necessary, but she is also more delicate emotionally. One loud sigh from me and her little heart contracts a bit. I need to be on my best Mary Poppins self for Annie. (Note to self: find out where one can purchase a magic bag!)
Yesterday went very well. Graham was up on time, took a bath and played a bit. I was still stressing to the nth degree but managed to keep my happy face on while nudging, prodding and herding. Annie slept a little bit later but worked quickly once she was up. Annie's main delay is outfit selection. She wants me to parade all possible outfit combos and usually asks for the scarf/tunic/leggings that happen to be in the washing machine. Yesterday she put on lace-trimed jean capris without complaint.
It's time to wake the little darlin's. I'll finish my day post later ... and I can't wait to hear about how other people spend their days!
6 comments:
I love the telling description of your neighbors with the rocking chair garden. And comparing your kids to blocks of text.
Whew, Erin, you are a hard worker. And I am sorry that there is not an extra pair of arms at home--robot or otherwise--to help you, strengthen you, support the massive amount of work you must do every day.
More later . . .
Whenever I get complimented on how much I do, I kind of laugh internally, because Jason does 80% of it, or so it seems to me. Without him, out goes the homemade bread, the calm mornings, the lovingly prepared dinners --- Kraft Mac & Cheese again, kids! We do have a lovely morning routine, but that is also helped by having one wee child. I often think of how it will change when Allyson comes, and how it will change when the kids are old enough to set their own systems --- petting the cats for 1/3 of their time, for example. I do love your text comparisons, and your writing, and completely agree that work of any kind after 9 p.m. is just hopeless. It sounds like you have an admirable 'day in the life' and I just wish my hands were closer so I could lend them to you more often. And, you know, by my hands I mean Jason's. :)
I love seeing your name at the top of my blog list--your posts are delightful, Erin.
Also, you excel at introspection, which truly is a talent and blessing.
Also, that picture is hilarious.
I understand the dilemma with shortage of hours/shortage of energy. I often wish for more hours, but I know I wouldn't be able to get more done (okay, but I'd probably read more books . . . or, let's be honest, sleep more).
Lately I have been thinking a lot about "catching up." I am constantly telling myself that I need to catch up, that I want to and I will catch up. But I think I doubly deceive myself by thinking a) that if I just organize or plan better or work longer or (fill in the blank) it'll happen, and b) that it's important or necessary. It is important for me to have a schedule, and it is necessary to not let my house get completely out-of-control messy/filthy . . . but my most important tasks are the ones you describe: "conveying love, support, encouragement, and hope" to my children, trying to create a positive/nurturing environment, not letting my sense of overwhelmedness and frustration destroy the peace that should be in my home.
It's hard, because I want to get rid of the "trail of mail" scattered through the house, I want to figure out some way to order prints of my digital photos and organize them in a logical way, I want to train everyone in the house to put their shoes away right when they come off their feet . . . I have to keep re-realizing that, though these are worthy goals, they are not as important as my spiritual health, as my children knowing they are loved, as my home being a refuge from confusion--and not a monument to confusion.
I know you didn't choose single parenthood, but I admire you for how well you do it, all the same. Like Elizabeth, I wish I could be there to lend my hands. I'd gladly make sandwiches in the morning, and run to the copy center at night.
Oh, Erin. I can relate to needing an extra set of hands. I have really been missing Brent now that he's gone half the week. 3-4 mornings and 3 nights, it's just me. I no longer even think about enjoying my "alone time" (M-T-W nights). It's lonely time and I'm not dealing with it well. I have been staying up until 1:00 and 2:00 in the morning, hypnotized by facebook/blogs/email/CNN. I need an extra pair of hands to grab me out of my chair and put me in bed--just like I do for my kids.
Fortunately for me, Brent comes home on Thursday nights.
Thinking of you and imagining all the ways we might tag-team and carpool and such if we lived close by.
Sigh. You are a brilliant writer, and have captured it all. I am sorry for what is required of you.......and my only hope is that somehow when you are stretched to the max, that somehow the stretching makes you able to put more in one armful of skill/effort for the future.
I would love to send you robot hands, or a morning nanny or something. The energy and planning required of you, the thoughtfulness of how you handle and know your children portrays your heart and your intellect. (A person's IQ, while not some inherently "Righteous or earned" thing, can be seen in how they live.........so says the IQ testing class I took).
Anyway, I am not sure how you could have a more "ideal" day given your schedule, your demands, and your kids. It sounds entirely right on to me.......the only problem is that it taxes you to the core. Sigh.
I did a measley equivalent of 5 weeks without a spouse, and nearly went bonkers. When Jon was gone for 10 weeks when E was little (we were with him in UT for several of those weeks)......I went into shut down mode. To think of what kids need emotionally, physically, spiritually, intellectually, etc. etc. etc. and to have to provide that always with no assistance nor rest is wearying.
I will pray for some miracle for you. I don't know what it would look like, but I will pray!
As for my ideal schedule, I ruminate on it always. I think the Cheaper by the Dozen father has snuck into my body somehow, I am always thinking of how to do things more smoothly, time effective/efficient etc. (this includes morning snuggle time because I do NOT like awakening to RUSH in th emorning!)
blah blah blah.
Did you really say that Graham gets up at 6.10, but that you've already been up working for a couple of hours before you wake him? I have a hunch as to why you've been so tired lately . . . (:
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