The last of the good, fun times

Well, not really ... we've had plenty of good, fun times since then (don't worry!), but I do wish I could get ahold of Hermione's time turner, and travel back to summer 2006.

This was a stop at the Hagerman Fossil Beds between Twin Falls and Boise, and we had a sun-kissed great time. No missed plane, no death of Papa Higgins, no ADHD (well, no diagnoses, at least ...), no diabetes, no breakdown of family structure, no selling our house, no separation, no rejection, no (what I think of as) breach of contract in lighter moments.

What would I change if I could turn back time?
Hard to put all of my insights into a single blog post ... that's something I'll be unraveling well into the future.

But I would be more patient, more Christlike, more thoughtful, more accepting, more loving, more the way I should have been all along. Also, I would be more ... me. I forgot myself along the way.

Regret can crush us, and I've felt quite crushed this last year, because no matter what anyone else says or thinks or perceives, I know I was not the kind of Christlike partner I promised to be. Sure, into every life a little stress must come, and my life - our shared live - was not always simple/easy, but I know in my heart of hearts that if I had more fully lived the gospel principles I espouse, these photos wouldn't be the last of their kind.

Ah ... I suppose this is a bit personal. I've avoided too much boo-hoo-ing on this blog, but I hope it's not inappropriate to share some of this.

My greatest regret is that at times I let my desire for a 'Celestial family' harden into Expectation, since I've learned that Expectation is the enemy of happiness. At least it was in our family. Expectation kills exploration. Expectation is a fossil. Expectation is toxic. Expectation is also hard to unpack.

I spent too much time focusing on my goals and intentions and not enough time being truly charitable. I spent too much time pursuing an ideal that, in fact, could never exist. What a waste!

Because I wanted regular temple attendance, because I wanted happy-family-all-together-FHE, because I wanted constant progression and improvement (myself included, most certainly!!!), I let - as Michael Scott so aptly says - "the ends justify the mean."

Sometimes I joke about this tendency - and I know I'm not alone - but it does not bring satisfaction. It's the griping at everyone to get ready more quickly so that we can make it to church on time and feel the spirit there. It's the crying because no one's paying any attention during family scripture study. I'm not totally sure how to be more zen, more in the moment, less concious of deadlines and comparisons and all of that, but I'm getting better.

I often pray that this life lesson not be wasted. Even though I'll never get another chance with this particular broken relationship, I hope I can be the kind of mother I want to be, the kind of friend, the kind of daughter, the kind of teacher, the kind of person.

Perhaps I required suffering of this magnitude to really learn. If so, then I'm glad for the lesson ... but deeply sad it did not come with a do-over clause.