I made it through a school year of living in the same house with the person who no longer wanted to be with me. I just made it through a school year of being a single parent working full-time. Graham even received his Wolf on time (thanks, Powers!) and Annie is reading. But after enduring two school years of stress and complete emotional/familial recalibration, I now feel a bit unmoored.
A few theories -
1) I was blessed and buoyed up by a spiritual power not my own during the latter part of 2007 until the present, and now, perhaps, it's time for me to walk on my own two feet again (not without help, of course, but not with that level of assistance).
2) Now that school is out - for me and the kids - and since I'm NOT teaching during the summer, the old busy schedule that I loathed is missing ... and perhaps that schedule was actually keeping me together since I didn't have much time to gaze at my navel. Now that I don't have any papers to grade or assignments to write, I have plenty of time to think.
3) Variation on theory #2 - since I've been released as YW prez, I also have more time to spare. The last year truly was a lurch from one thing to the next, and suddenly, I really only need to lurch from the splash pad to the grocery store to the garage.
4) The divorce is soon to be final, and it's as though this elevator that's been dropping floors steadily over the past 18 months is about to hit the ground floor.
5) I'm about to have a birthday, and I tend to get pensive when the year clock tick tocks.
OR
6) All of the above
So what do you guys do when you feel a bit out of place in your own life?
p.s. I really am fine ... just meditative. Thought I'd share. No worries necessary. I am someone who tries to really experience whatever emotional state I'm in, and I have a keen sense that future happiness will be (inversely?) proportional to any unhappiness experienced so I am not unhappy to be somewhat unhappy ... just observing.
14 comments:
The thing I do is just cry but I am sure you have done that a lot lately and my not have any more tears. Just know that I think you are so amazing and I love being around you.
It's a hard thing, that unsettled feeling. My fantasy - and first instinct - is to run, but reality involves a lot of fighting to get to a place where I feel satisfied with where I'm at and what I'm doing. This usually involves many sessions of crying/prayer (good thing the Lord speaks hysterical). By the time I get to a good place, it's definitely bought and paid for in emotional currency.
I remember the June Sunday night you were born.....and I remember how engaging you were from childhood forward...[yes, words from your old Aunt NeeNee]...you would slip your little feet into high heels and walk around as though they were yours already. You sat on Glenn's chest as a "bench" so you could chat with Aunt Apple the other grown ups.....you were amazingly verbal about badinas and other parts when you lived in Bloopington, Indinana....And in 10 minutes you were going to college for yourself!
From my view, you improve in depth, brilliance, wisdom and beauty each year. I applaud your creative, loving parenting skills. Yes, no handbooks were issued, but you have excelled despite the surpises/brickwalls/landmines....
The only suggestion I have is that you see who you are in the eyes of others who know you.
I love and admire you deeply, Co
One of my best memories of Bryan, TX was your surprise birthday party where we all brought you food and recipes. I wish I were there to bring you some dried morels or something.
I had been feeling as Connie Willis would say, "itch." and so we are changing jobs, which I hope will be a good change and not the car-falling-off-the-cliff change it feels like right now.
Maybe you should stretch your literary wings and write a book this summer? I would read it. I would even buy it at hardcover prices and not wait till I found a paperback at Half Price book, and that is saying something.
Tell Graham I saw a baseball chess set the other day.
I cannot even comprehend "walking through the darkness" as you have done so courageously - but what I KNOW is this, the light will follow, the Lord promises that, and it will happen for you. Brilliant, joyful, radiant, whole light for you and your children.
In less eloquent words - sometimes it really sucks that we have to taste the bitter to know the sweet.
My heart goes out to you my dear sister - we CANNOT wait until you come to Minnesota (even if it is only for 2 week) - we will love love love you! (And mom bought some gigantic squirt guns for Graham and Andrew to have fun in the sun!)
I have to say that I identify with all the reasons you listed, having felt many of them myself lately. (well, except #4...) When I feel lost, confused, and displaced, I do one of two things. One, I surround myself with things/people/memories that I love and that I know love me back. :) Things that remind me of a better time or that help me remember where I'm trying to go.
And yet, other times I run away from everyone and everything because I need my space to cry and vent and do whatever else I feel that I need to do in relative privacy. It is a huge struggle for me to openly show my raw emotions and feelings to the world... or even just to my family and friends.
But most of the time, when I come out on the other side of 'lost', I find that I've used a combination of the two, depending on what feels right that day, hour, or even minute.
I am proud of you for being a person who allows herself to feel the emotions of the moment fully. That takes courage and strength. Only in that kind of silence and swirling emotions (kind of like the matrix of feelings swimming around your head) can you start to see clearly the truth from the lies, the must do's and feel's and the wastes and unnecessaries.
Swim with what comes up, and call here when it is painful to do alone. I'll be there along side (with my swimsuit pinned in the back!).
Love you. This seems too feeble an answer and impersonal for such a post, but I'm not sure how to bridge that kinesthetic gap.
It appears I am the last to comment because I am a late reader and maybe the mood has lifted. I always hate those vacuum times when what you were doing and ate your time is gone but there is nothing solid in the next step. As a therapist I would say sit as long as you need to then look out for ways to be creative and connected and the Lord will open them. Eat well, sleep well, and of course read well. I know the Lord and many angels have not left their post at 713 Enfield. You are amazing. Truly, some sessions with a life coach would be fun....or a therapist that could do the same thing but be covered by insurance. Therapists have lots of fun with normal people like you who just have adjustment concerns.... I can't wait to see what is around the corner for you.
I agree with your mom. I'm excited for what's around the corner for you. It'll be something great, because you're something great. And I'll tell you a secret. I'm never wrong about these things (but I'm afraid I'll have to draw the line at giving you a time limit...I have yet to decipher that section of life's manual).
In addition to all the other good advice, sometimes I like to curl up with a really good book and escape into another world. If you like non-fiction I recommend "Left to Tell: Discovering God Amidst the Rwandan Holocaust" by Immaculee Ilibagiza or YA fiction the Fablehaven series by Brandon Mull. Best wishes.
Hey Erin -- I'm sorry you are feeling a bit unmoored. At my very worst I went on the cross country bike trip -- running away and testing myself --- and it was awful. I think the recommendations here, the writing a book (! YES! !), the being fully present in your life, the going on walks and riding of bikes --- these are the things that will bridge the craziness of the last two years and the peace of the coming ones. You are so blessed and beloved --- every day of your life.
I thought I felt emotional as I read your post, but reading everyone's loving and kind words of encouragement is what brought tears. If regular ol' people love you this much, think of how much our Father in Heaven loves you.
I (Jonathan) usually do one of two things:
1. I start reading Lord of the Rings (because it's like an old friend)
2. I turn on Barry Manilow (and as soon as I do so, Marni says to me, "what's wrong? Do you need to take your pills?") :)
I told each of the men who married my daughters that they would be the only man who would love my daughter more than I. The statement is true - and I am once again the one man on the face of the entire earth who loves Erin more than any other man does. The abundance of my love, and its accompanying service to her will be in force until she marries again (which thing she will do, in the due time of the Lord). Erin is, as Spencer Tracy said of Katharine Hepburn, all cherce!
Love.
Dad
Post a Comment