Us and me

The thing about being divorced with kids - even with the friendly arrangement I enjoy - is that there is either too much time or not enough. I am a mommy-on-the-go from Monday -Thursday, and on some days, it seems like I barely come up for air. I wake up between 2-4 a.m., the kids wake up between 6-7, we hit the books from 8-3, and then return home. We have piano, dance, FHE, math tutoring, cub scouts, baseball, and in the midst of that the clothes have to be cleaned and the Problem Solving Steps shown visibly on all homework sheets.

By the time Thursday arrives, I am excited for a breather. But an hour or two ... or four ... suffices. I don't need 36 hours to myself. {Thank goodness my 115 students are willing to fill my time on Fridays. This Friday, I was so busy grading and working with students that I didn't leave my office til 5:30 p.m.} My Thursday and Friday evenings are often fun - this week I met a group of colleagues for dinner on Thursday and hit First Friday with Corinna on ... yep, Friday. It felt very grown-up to admire art, stroll down the well-lit streets of our lovely renovated downtown area, and then enjoy a post-dinner conversation accompanied by a peppermint steamer at Starbucks. I enjoyed the night out!

But it takes a new way of thinking about me time and us time. My time is either completely mine (minus church stuff, work tasks and various NBC comedies) or completely theirs. But I'm starting to be able to shape my plans to my schedule. I suppose it's a bit like a tree branch graft. This new schedule is a graft, but I think it's going to take.

I've had a bit of a horror of complications. I don't mind change per se, but I worry when I can't see the end. In fact, if I can't see the end, I make up an end and torture myself with its horrible details. I worry about things being complicated, as though complicated = inferior.

But now, I'm coming to grips with the okay-ness of complicated. In fact, the notion of a simple life is often a facade (unless you really do live in a houseboat and grow your own food in recycled buckets). It's all complicated, all of this living and loving and family interactions. I'm experiencing a paradigm shift because this is a new kind of complicated, but it need not be a failure from the get-go just because it's unfamiliar.

When I think about what comes next (and my mind fills with a variety of scenarios, each more complicated than the last), I pause and breathe and realize that we'll make our way. And that even if I were still married and doing the I load/You unload life, we'd have complications. There were plenty before I ended up on my own. Plenty with a capital plenty. The constant is the opportunity for growth. If I can parent with integrity and live from a place of confidence instead of fear, those horrible scenarios don't stand a chance.

p.s. thanks for tolerating my recent strain of personal reflection. In the past few months, as the paperwork has slowly come together and my first marriage has legally become a thing of the past, I am filled with something I haven't felt in a long time: anticipation for what comes next. These posts are as much journals as stuff to be shared, so please excuse me if I seem self-centered.